I’ve spent the past several days trying to delete photos from my computer and also clean out some of the boxes that we packed up in Newnan and moved down here, and haven’t touched in more than two years. We probably packed some of them long before that. It was easier to pack it up and put it in the basement or attic than deal with throwing the stuff away. But deleting and throwing away was not so simple, especially when it came to deleting photographs from the hard drive on my computer.
We are coming up on what would have been Glenn’s 15th birthday. The realization of this brings to the surface memories of what we would be doing, were he will with us. Glenn loved the Porsche and he loved sitting in the driver’s seat of any of our cars, pretending to drive. I have a great photo of he and my mom, in my Miata, pretending they were taking a trip. He had such a great imagination. If you know me very well at all, you know that Glenn was killed when he was 5 years old. We won’t be teaching him to drive and we have missed the experience of those tumultuous teen years. Glenn was a sweet little boy, perfect in every way.
As I was going through the photos on my computer, I found that I had three and four copies of many of the photos of the grandchildren. It should have been simple to delete, right? But as someone who wishes I could recapture every single minute of Glenn’s short life, even deleting a blurry image or a duplicate was difficult. I know it sounds crazy, and I’ve been trying to figure out why. Our other nine grandchildren are beautiful, healthy, happy, and smart, and I know we can’t live in fear that something will happen. Yet there is a dark place in the back of my subconscious that remembers our loss, and doesn’t want to part with anything. Not even a blurry, duplicate image that is almost unrecognizable.
My rational self has won this battle, but the battle was hard fought. Pieces of broken toys in boxes have been thrown away. Random pieces of paper with children’s drawings have been discarded. I realize these were great works of art at the time they were created, but at this point I don’t even know who scribbled on the paper. My rational self and my even more rational daughter assures me that it is fine to throw these things away. I’ve moved the random Legos to the Lego box, but most everything else from this corner of my office is going away. I’ve deleted the duplicate photos and I’ve deleted the photographs of unknown blobs.
This job isn’t complete, but I’ve gone through six boxes and thousands of photographs. I’m happy with my progress. At the end of the day, I think that’s pretty darn good.